dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
