i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
