no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
