I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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