You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
