So drunk its hurt
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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