i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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