Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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