rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
fuck your aforementioned shoe
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
