How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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