Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
