Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Life is so much better after having sex.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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