just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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