Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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