cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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