when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Small penises have feelings too.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
