this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
