Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
