so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
