By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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