o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
