: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
