I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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