I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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