Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
