i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize