im drinking this country out of the recession.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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