My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she looked like the before picture.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
