To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
