The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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