She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
