Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
