I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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