there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
