I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I puked a lego.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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