I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
