Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
