If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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