Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
