I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
