When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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