laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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