If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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