Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
