love makes seman taste better
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I need to align my fucking chakras
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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