I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
