My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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