Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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