Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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