The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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