Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
