He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
