Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize