I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
