I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
