We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
