Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
